Heads up girlfriends, I realize among my strengths, I make a good argument. This is not about
anything in particular, it is merely an observation of my character, which is
to say, that when it comes to confrontation, I am as comfortable in conflict as
I am in any Saks Fifth Avenue in the world.
My beloved, however has taken years to rise to the task.
When we first met, he faced any dispute with eyes drawn to the ground for fear
of opening his mouth lest I shove my proverbial fist in it. In his defense, I
do believe this is both a common and a safe response for a man having a verbal Tet
a Tet with the opposite sex.
Not to be sexist, my sister, but women as a rule- are good
in a fight. We mastered the language early on and we are not afraid to use it.
Scientifically girls learn language before boys and form sentences
well before their male counterparts. Studies show that little girlfriends love
to talk- first to ourselves and then to one another.
Let’s take me for example? Here I go, using my own
experience in the name of science….
I lay in bed each night for most of the 70’s in my pink and
silver disco room lit with the token night light. I had full on conversations only an eight year old can have
about what I would wear to school in the morning and who I would be when I grew
up.
Over the years that followed and the room has changed but
the music remains the same.
I have spent much of my life talking to things in succession
that cannot answer back. First were my Barbie dolls that bore an immense amount
of optimistic responsibility. I played both parts answering them as my
imaginary muscles flexed with vigour.
From there, I moved on to a variety of animals… first the fish, then the
hamsters, now the dogs. Their little heads cock to the side as if they “get me”
and somewhere I do acknowledge this unreasonable argument to be true. How many of us have whispered in a
dog’s ear at one point in life…. “You understand Spotty, you love me.”
I have moved on through life to talking to ads in magazines-
cursing the skinny blond that lies across the pages eating whatever she likes.
I have had full discussions with television programs in order to cultivate my
debating skills. I am the Bill Maher of my own living room. I have had full on conversations with my
girlfriend’s baby daughter who stares up at me smiling as a result of gas and
not out of comprehension.
I have had one too many midnight talks with unconscious
patients on life support in Intensive Care Units across this country. These eerily one-sided discussions are
shamefully reminiscent of a tacky movie scene. The lights are dim a lifeless
hand is in mine as I will a perfect stranger to overcome a disease that is far
bigger than the treatment I have to offer.
Many of these conversations end with ones we have all at the
gravestones of parents and friends with long discussions of how things have
become and what should have been.
So after millions of words have passed my lips, it is no
surprise that I can kick my husband’s ass in an argument. Or at least I used
to. After 18 years together, I must say… in the argument Olympics… he’s a gold
medal contender.
I say this with pride as though I am training an athlete.
When we first got together his eyes looked at the floor and I could sense there
was an internal voice that just wanted to know when the fight would be over.
Now, many years later…. He gets his point across with a
respect for both me and for the English language. There is no yelling, there is
a discussion- eyes are met, minds are met and yes, I am sometimes wrong. It is
very grown up and quite frankly, kind of hot. But I had to ask…. Is it healthy?
Several studies have looked at marital discord and health
related indices.
In 1994, a study published in the Journal of Biobehavioural
Medicine examined certain hormones in newlyweds. The study showed significant
rises in the Growth Hormones and
Epinephrine and Norepinephrine (hormones linked to the “fight or flight
response) in couples who were arguing. Furthermore there were sex-based
differences in these fluctuations. Naturally our body physiologically responds
to an argument by adjusting our neurohormonal make up to accommodate. What was
most remarkable was that these fluctuations were statistically different
between men and women.
Another study published in Health Psychology in 1991 examined
the impact of normal family arguments on 24 females and 19 males (aged 32–73
yrs) with high blood pressure. Patients and their partners discussed a
threatening disagreement for 10 min while blood pressure (BP) and conversation
were recorded. Discussing problems increased BP, but the causal pathways
differed by sex. In women, hostile interaction and marital dissatisfaction were
associated with increased BP; supportive or neutral exchanges were unrelated to
BP. In men, BP fluctuations were related only to the patient's speech rate.
These findings are consistent with other research on sex
differences in communication and social problem-solving styles and implicate
different mechanisms involved among the sexes.
Now, I do not have high blood pressure and I do believe
Jason’s also runs a cool 120/80. Perhaps as we get older and continue to settle
in discussing and debating with each other our physiology will adapt as much as
our discussions have. Until then, I will continue to challenge and be challenged
in the hopes that like my sisters everywhere- I will have the last word.
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