Thanks Ma'am

Oh my girlfriends, here it is the day after Thanksgiving and I am still glowing in the after math of it all. As some of my sisters may know- I love me a grand Thanksgiving dinner almost as much as I love me a good four in each heel. 

There I was shopping for my wares for what would undoubtedly be an epic feast with fabulous friends when a lovely salesperson at Whole Foods did the unthinkable while bagging my organics .....

He called me Ma'am. 

It's bad enough I was shelling out a mortgage payment for a free range turkey that had an amazing life but here I was subjected to the worst of all name calling. 

I ask you dear girlfriends, and answer me honestly…. Do I look like a Ma’am? You’ve seen the footage… me on a mountain, on a bike, at the beach, hell in a wetsuit…. You’ve seen me with and without a good blow out…. Does this face make you want to call it Ma’am?

Sure, I could stomach “Miss”, or “My Lady” or “Your Highness”, but really, “Ma’am”. It’s truly a kiss of death in the female nomenclature. In fact I’ll go out on a limb here and say, that I would rather be called “Yo, Bitch”, than “Ma’am”.

“Ma’am” is a shitty, shitty way to refer to a woman. “Ma’am” is a an old school librarian with flesh coloured pantyhose, reinforced at the toe and a sweater that smells like a storage closet. “Ma’am” is your music teacher who used to smack your knuckles while you played the piano in the event that a note was performed incorrectly. “Ma’am” smells like rotten gardenias and yesterday’s lunch meat.

“Ma’am” is bullshit.

And so my dear girlfriends, on this the morning after the day we are to be most thankful- I have no science but indeed the need for a new calling… down with the “Ma’am”. We must find a new address.

In the last decade alone, the English language has undergone significant additions and subtractions. Words come and go like wildfires. Facebook is now a verb, as in to “Facebook me”, while Tweeting is more than just the sound a bird makes.

Equally certain words have been removed from our cultural repertoire. I won’t give you too many examples… but you know what I mean…. Words like Jeggings and Stirrup Pants and Ballet Flats and small pox to name a few.

SO why can’t we banish the “Ma’am”. When will someone come up with a proper taxonomy for a 40 something woman who has a healthy sense of self-esteem and a really good sense of fashion?

Perhaps I should move to a French speaking part of the world, if only to be referred to as “MADAM”. Why should men have all the fun? “Sir” is quite a lovely characterization. “To Sir, with Love”, “They called him Sir”, “Please Sir, May I have some more?”. Why can’t we, my dear girlfriends claim a name of our own? One that does not make us cringe at the thought. One that empowers us to be all that we are and not reach for our walkers and our denture cream in a wave of self-loathing.

As far as the science goes… I have nothing. No there does not exist a study regarding the use of Ma’am and the decline of the female persuasion…. Give me time, girlfriends, give me time.

I hate it when THEY call me “Ma’am”. I know they are just trying to be polite, but it is a knife of hot buttered bullshit that goes straight to my psyche.

I wanna a new name, God damn it…. Get to work my cybersisters… I’ve given you months and months of Tuesdays filled with creative quips and witty repartees…. You get me a new name and we’ll call it even.

Thank you my sisters and Goodnight.